Don’t look too close

by Pandora

I decided I have to sew all my clothes from now on. (Emily: Bwahahahaha! About time!) This inspiration finally broke down when I decided I needed new underwear. Although people have been making their own underwear for millenium, (Pandora: early woman wear underwear, Emily? Emily: Yes, they did. First written reference to undergarments was in ancient Egypt, circa 3000 BC. Oldest bra in existence was found in 2012 and dates back to the 1400’s) I am horrified at this prospect. My husband predicted that all the clothes I made would resemble those of a conservative, religious cult, I imagine he is accurate when it ‘comes to underwear. I imagine that I can only succeed in putting together ridiculous, 19th century-style bloomers and I don’t know how those will fit under my short shorts. (Emily: This is blatantly ridiculous, as you will see by reading the next paragraph)

I actually succeeded in sewing a “sexy” swimsuit bottom made out of stretchy, shiny, metallic pink with a modest high waist and low leg line. There are a few major (Emily: minor) mistakes, but I hid them at the bottom of the crotch where nobody will see, unless they are allowed to have their head in my crotch. I wore it to the lake and it didn’t fall apart, and I think some ladies were admiring it.

I am unspeakably proud. After sewing for about 4 months, I have produced eight garments and I feel like I’m in the fifth grade, coming home with the student of the month award. I wear my creations every chance I get and I announce to everyone who will listen that “I made this!” The salesgirl at Tiffany & Co. actually said she would pay money for the top I made. I think she was trying to sell me overpriced, blood diamonds, but I don’t care. I’m on my way. (Emily: For the record, “on your way” is an understatement. You are already an intermediate seamstress. Pandora: High praise, Emily, high praise.)

I read the book, “Overdressed” by Elizabeth Cline and it rocked me, as happens when I read pop nonfiction. I am easily swayed by the plight of the planet or the latest sociological or psychological studies. I am the target audience and it always gets to me.

Some of my peer-group gets it too. At a hand-made themed baby shower, women were passing around their creations and one woman commented, “Don’t look too close.” We are trying to avoid over-consumerism, but we are not so great at it yet. Maybe if I grew up in a conservative, religious cult, I would be better at this. (Emily: But then you wouldn’t have made yourself metallic pink hot pants for a bikini bottom. Pandora: Bwahahahahaha!)

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