This has happened to me too many times to be an accident. Women use me when they don’t have a boyfriend. They don’t use me for sex; I’m straight and so are these particular friends. Emily: phew. Thanks for setting the record straight on that one! They use me for companionship and I mistake it for friendship. It has happened to me since middle school and has happened all the way up into my 40s and I have just now caught on. What is wrong with me? Well, I know what’s wrong with me. I’m co-dependent and this feeds right into my disorder. I love to be useful, until I get dumped.
Here’s what happens: it follows the same predictable pattern time after time. I meet a nice woman. She is fun and looking for friendship. Typically, she feels misunderstood by other women, or doesn’t have many other girlfriends. We start off doing crazy fun activities together, then we start sharing, usually pretty quickly into the relationship. She will confide in me how no one understands her, other women are always jealous of her, her life is very hard and depressing, men just use her or don’t appreciate her or she can’t find a good one. This sharing goes on for a while. I am the strong one, I am the one she turns to for help, I am the shoulder to cry on. I am her best friend. This goes on for a while, sometimes years. Eventually the girl finds a boyfriend. It’s a rocky relationship at first, but I am there for her. Until she doesn’t need me anymore and I get dumped. I never see it coming! Emily: going forward, what’s the solution? How are you going to make this not happen again?
Am I a secret lesbian? I’m not physically attracted to women, but maybe they are secret lesbians and they are attracted to me?!? Is this just a problem for women? Does this happen to other women? Emily: yup. Maybe not as often, but I could certainly name a few “users”! Does this mean I have low self-esteem? Does this mean I am the “man?” I can literally think of at least five female relationships that have been characterized by this pattern stretching throughout my life.
I think it’s getting worse. I think my pool of eligible friends has been narrowing over the years and all the good friends are taken. Looking for a good girlfriend is like looking for a husband; all the good ones are taken and the leftovers have issues, that’s why they don’t have any girlfriends. Does that mean I’m a leftover? Am I the one with issues? Emily: doesn’t being human mean that you have issues? I don’t think I’ve come across anyone who doesn’t have issues. I think I’m a good friend. Emily: True. I’m not needy, but I’m fun and honest and loyal. Emily: True. I don’t ditch on women for boyfriends. Emily: True. I know boyfriends come and go and now that I’m married, it’s not even an issue, except that all the good girlfriend candidates have kids now and they are too busy to maintain a friendship with a child-free lady. Just a side-note, I have a lot of single friends and I am not dissing them. They are excellent ladies who have never thrown me over for a man. I am just getting tired of the ladies who masquerade as nice, but really they just want to use me. I am not a place-holder!